mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
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My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion