Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
You Might Also Like
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
A family that plays together cheats.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
my lower back watching me try to live my life
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom