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if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Wait a minute…
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.