Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
You Might Also Like
why no one uses midhusbands
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
This anagram machine is out of order.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Driving in Europe vs Canada
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room