Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
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Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.