My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I’m about to risk it all
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
United Steaks of America
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!