M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
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My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Happy Taco Tuesday
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?