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Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you