Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
A game married people play.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six