[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
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I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
awesome draft from months ago i just found
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.