People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
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I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Leaving the Barbers like
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian