I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.