That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
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[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.