I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
You Might Also Like
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*