Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
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Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
How do dragons blow out candles?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat