Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
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i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Boy never ceases to amaze me
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.