“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
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If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
And then there were 4
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.