can’t bark with your mouth full
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Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
japanese corn
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.