The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
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Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself