A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
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I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*