That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I put the h in mysterious.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”