Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
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If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.