*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
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Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Hank is one in a melon.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk