the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
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The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.