I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”