Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
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ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before