i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
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whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
I hate everything
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]