If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
You Might Also Like
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.