People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
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god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.