I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
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Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.