Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
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My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.