Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
You Might Also Like
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no