so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
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Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
She: I like Cats
He:
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’m confused about plants
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk