He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
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*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.