robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
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One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur