A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Godspeed, John Glenn
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
This kid will have a bright future.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.