#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
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When I said I liked it rough.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos