I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
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Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly