Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back馃槵
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
馃ぃdope
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I鈥檇 prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Dear women, when you鈥檙e not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Apples to apples? You鈥檙e not a very good wizard.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn鈥檛 recognize me without my glasses