Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️