I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
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Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out