Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
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We’re all getting idioter.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ