Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
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That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.