With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
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I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.