“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
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I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years