Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
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Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.