[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
You Might Also Like
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.