[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
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I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
(Musicians.)
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.