1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
You Might Also Like
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.