Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
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Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
remember
only for emergencies
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.